Redemption

Grieving is the constant reawakening that things are now different.  It takes you through stages that come and go and reinvent themselves with no rhyme or reason.  Days go by where I feel happy, walk with a smile and laugh without restraint.  These days leave me with hope and confidence that I’m doing well.  Then like a demon, self-doubts, pain and unfaced terror begin to chase me.  It starts slowly with a thought or a memory, a sinking feeling of dread and ends with a force so strong it takes my breath away. 

After an extended time of forward thinking and inner strength, I recently began to feel the imminent threat of a chase.  I didn’t try to fight it, have learned long ago that this is a hopeless cause.  Instead, I braced myself, shut down quickly and waited quietly.  It came late, grabbed a hold of me and wrapped it’s powerful jaws around my entire being, refusing to let go.  I found myself falling apart on the bathroom floor.  A feeling of desperation took over the strength I had worked so hard to gain.  I sat with the lonely thought that there was no one to pick me off the floor, no one to even know I was there.  As I cried, I welcomed this demon as I had met him before.  I was prepared to spend the night in this state, knowing morning would bring an inability to pull myself up and face the day.  Yes, I had been here before and was familiar with this company, but something felt different.  I was surprised to find, like the last leaf on a large maple tree, a small piece of my inner strength was holding on dearly.  It was enough to pull me off the floor, walk me back to bed and place me under the warm embrace of my comforter.  It was enough to reward me with a solid night of sleep and enough to pull me out of bed in the morning, ready to face the day.  What had happened, I’m not sure, but it was something that breathed life into me when I least expected it.  Something I know I’ve worked for and although just a baby step on the road to recovery, a leap in my quest for inner strength.

For months my coping mechanism was charged by avoidance and the inevitable process of redefining myself was squashed.  I am not fooled into thinking that I am anywhere near the person I will become.  I am aware of a paradox, aware that letting in the demons of pain, facing them full throttle will inevitably bring me closer to the self I need to become.  Things are different, I don’t want them to be, but they are.  Through reflection I’ve set out to center myself and begin to accept this forced change.  I’ve promised myself to push my energy into fighting the avoidance for this is my true demon.  I must work to move forward, begin to hold strong to my acceptance and redefine what I know to be true.

“Minutes after they took I, from the bottomless pit

My hand was made strong by the hand of the almighty,

So I move forward, triumphantly.”  -Bob Marley

My New Normal

 "Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."  -Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. 
 
     Last night my wireless Internet stopped working so I called Time Warner and fixed it myself.  This afternoon I needed a rug so I went to Pottery Barn, bought a rug, drove to the loading dock, picked up the rug, brought it home, carried it in and unrolled it myself.  This evening my cable wasn't working so I called Time Warner yet again and fixed it myself.  All of these things would have fallen on Ryan, but here I am, figuring it all out by myself.  I've finally begun to accept that life without Ryan is my new normal and I'd never say it was easy, but what I can say is that I'm doing it, everyday I'm living my life one step at a time.

Live Your Life in Sunshine

Center

Through quiet reflection I’ve been working on centering my inner self.   I imagine my life working like a protractor where I choose the starting point and stretch my boundaries as far as I’d like.  Once I’m comfortable with the distance, I make a concentric space where inside I have control of my decisions and can live my life the way I choose.  This metaphor describes my need for power and the quest to reclaim my own life. It also shows my need for neatness and order.  I’ve never been a controlling person, type A in my ambitions, but not my routines.  I’m easy going, still in my sleep and relaxed in my day.  This is all I want back for myself, this soft and happy lifestyle and what I spend every day focusing on regaining.

Strength

Strength comes from within and like adrenalin, promises to support you when you are in the greatest of need.  It’s not necessary to ask or pray for strength, it’s just there, quietly waiting.  Then, in your weakest, darkest hour, strength shows its face, picks you up, wraps you in a warm embrace and gently pushes you forward.  This is a secret only a select will ever know.  One is not expected to understand or believe the phenomenon until you are faced with a situation of utter need.  Hopefully you will never need, but rest assured that if you do, strength will be there to pick up the pieces and move you forward.  I know the secret, have held hands with the secret and can assure you that as the days pass, my inner strength, although temperamental, grows stronger and has proven to be unconditionally loyal.

Forward

I have to move forward, it’s the only choice I give myself.  It was never an option to burry my head in the sand or to hide under my covers.  There are plenty of moments where I fight what needs to be done, where I refuse to move from my spot, but in the bigger picture, when the moment passes, these tasks get accomplished and I continue my forward progress.  Life goes on and I work to remind myself that life is not how it is supposed to be.  It is the way it is.  The way I cope with it is what makes the difference.

And finally, after a much needed vacation and some sun on my face I say:

Rise up this mornin’

Smiled with the risin’ sun,

Three little birds

Pitch by my doorstep

Singin’ sweet songs

Of melodies pure and sure

This is my message to you

Don’t worry, about a ‘ting

‘Cuz every little ‘ting

Is going to be alright…

That's When you Find Yourself...

The days are long, the nights are longer.  When evening comes, mental exhaustion wraps its shadowy arms around me, suffocating my chances for an easy sleep. 

Bed's too big without you
Cold wind blows right through my open door
I can't sleep with your memory
Dreaming dreams of what used to be…

            I am so tired of walking through life feeling empty.  I’m busy not only mourning the loss of my husband, but also the loss of myself.  I do have short moments where I feel like that happy girl, easily amused and forever smiling.  Unfortunately, these moments are quickly shattered with the memory of my loss.  It never takes long, maybe a minute and it always comes on strong.  The pain that accompanies these memories is excruciating.  This pain has become my new companion and a constant in my life.  I miss Ryan every minute of every day and my mind swims with dark thoughts and memories.  I close my eyes and see his code being called, hear the police asking me to sit down.  These awful memories hide behind the distractions of the day and refuse to be pushed aside.  I don’t know where I’m supposed to go or how to navigate the path back to myself, but I know with everything I have left that I want to be me again.  I want to feel excited; I want to look forward to the small moments and big events that life has to offer.  I want my heart to swell with happiness, my body to shake with laughter.  I don’t know how and I don’t know when, but I do know it’s not today nor will it be tomorrow.  I can only hope it won’t be too long because this shell that I inhabit is thin and cold and I long for the warmth and comfort of my former self.  The self that I know is there, hiding deep within and quietly waiting.  I pray that the ironic sense of losing one’s self in order to find your way is true…

We go through life

So sure of where we’re heading

And then we wind up lost

Sometimes when you lose your way

It’s really just as well

Because you find yourself

That’s when you find yourself

Walk Good

Love the life you live, live the life you love.  –Bob Marley

Recently I’ve been faced with writer’s block.  The emotions of the holidays took me by surprise, hit me hard and left me tired and restless.   Facing the New Year is the last of my daunting celebratory challenges.  Many of my close friends and family have commented that they are happy to see 2010 come to an end.  They’ve described this year as the worst of their life.  You’d think that of anyone, I would agree with this sentiment, but I think it’s imperative to remember that 2010 was simply fantastic right up until it wasn’t.  Many amazing things have come out of this year and like everything else Ryan and I shared, I don’t want to overlook or lose any of it.  Through reflection I’ve recounted my year and remembered that in 2010 Ryan and I:

Dug our toes in the sands of Negril

Drank yard bongs in Las Vegas

Celebrated our five year anniversary

Spent a week in Galena, IL loving each other and discovering our new favorite town

Adopted a clumsy, hungry kitten

Finished redoing the exterior of our house - a 2 year project

Built our dream country kitchen

Cooked live lobsters

Camped with friends

Camped with family

Shared our Galena with both sets of parents

Had a very successful driveway sale

Spent countless evenings sipping wine on our front porch

Spent a fun filled week chasing each other around the house trying to get pregnant

Got pregnant!

Kept pregnancy a secret for exactly 15 hours

Ryan was promoted to ICU

Ryan won a national award of nursing excellence

I discovered I LOVE teaching older kids

Played on a volleyball team that actually won sometimes

Ryan invented and perfected his Bear Claw Volleyball hit

Bought a new couch, rug, entertainment center and secretary

Bought the mission style bedroom furniture we’d been dreaming about

Took our dogs for countless walks through 4 unique and beautiful seasons

Enjoyed a very warm spring

Took naps in the sunny and warm backyard

Built a snowman

Laughed while shoveling Thunder Snow

Saw two dear friends get married

Welcomed 3 new babies into our lives…

This is only a taste of the happiness 2010 brought to us; the list could go on forever.  Every day was littered with happy nuances, small moments of light that shined through our hearts.  I wouldn’t trade these memories for anything and I do not wish 2010 a negative adieu nor do I perceive it as a year I’d rather forget.  Instead, I recognize it as the last year I spent with the man of my dreams, the husband I adored.  I see it as a piece of Ryan and I’s puzzle, a piece that although important, was not extraordinary, but instead just a happy, genuine piece of a happy, genuine life.  If we can learn anything from this tragedy, let’s remember this:  Love the life you live, live the life you love.  Don’t wait for tomorrow, do it now, walk good.

Our House

Nutrition Break in Galena

Bear Claw!

Country Kitchen

Negril

Silent Night

It is silent tonight as I reflect on something a friend recently said.  She described the look in my eyes as empty and I was surprised.  As time passes, I’m starting to see more clearly what she was referring to.  Life without Ryan is absent of light.  It never stops, never goes away, this feeling of emptiness.  The questions I relentlessly ask are how can he not be here?  How can the one person I counted on to be here, go missing?  I am hurting inside so deeply and I need him with me, to hold me, to dry my tears and to help me through this.  I do feel empty inside.  There is so much I want to say on this silent night, so much I need him to hear…

Dear Ryan,

          Only a short time ago you were here and could completely turn my world around.  I told you things that I’ve never shared with another soul and you absorbed everything I had to say and actually wanted to hear more.  We shared hopes for the future, dreams, goals, triumphs and even life’s disappointments.  When something wonderful happened, I couldn’t wait to tell you because I knew you would be just as excited as I.  You were never embarrassed to cry with me when I was hurting and we were always able to laugh with each other when one of us made a fool of ourselves.  You had a way of building me up and showing me things about myself that made me special and even beautiful and I can only hope I was able to do the same for you.  There was never any pressure, jealousy or competition between us, just a quiet calmness and a feeling of happy satisfaction.   I could be myself with you because you loved me for who I am.  Laughter was a part of our daily life and never did a day go by where we didn’t talk on the phone at least two or three times, each conversation bringing a smile to my face.  In your presence, there was never a need for continuous conversation; I was content just having you nearby.  I think of you on every occasion and in everything I do, but especially now, as I’m hurting so deeply inside and needing you to fix things like you always did, take care of me forever like you promised.  Every minute of every day I have to remind myself that you are not here, not coming back and each time this happens, I break.  I need you, you are my one.

I dropped a tear in the ocean and then it started to rain.  The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you. 

                                                          Merry Christmas, Baby, I love you.

The Wagon Ride

Lately my mind has felt empty, making it incapable for me to freely express my feelings.  Emotions have been running a marathon through my mind, body and heart, but nothing stays long enough to reflect on.  I miss my husband intensely and every day the yearning swells.  I want so badly to see him, or feel him, to hear him, but most of all, I want him to make me laugh.  He must have heard this wish because a moment ago I thought of a story that literally made me laugh out loud.  I remembered a story that highlights exactly who Ryan was and why he will always be the absolute love of my life.

  Last summer Ryan and I were making our annual pilgrimage to the lakefront to enjoy the Fourth of July fireworks.  I remember him being very concerned about how we were going to get all of our snacks and liquid refreshments down the big hill from Brady Street to the park.  At first he wanted to buy a cooler with wheels, but I told him no way, we already had four coolers in the basement, two of which were large enough for me to fit in with the cover closed (this was a test Ryan and I used to see how big our stuff was.  I could also fit inside two pieces of luggage and the laundry hamper).  In the end, he settled for borrowing a friend’s wagon.  He packed it tight, making sure to throw in some Bob Marley and his Frisbee.  As an afterthought, he threw in an extra six pack and one more bottle of wine.  “It’s going to be a long night, Kris…”

Parking was a breeze because Ryan and I knew all the secret spots.  As we walked through our old neighborhood, we reminisced about the adventures we used to have:  Drinking at The Coin, walking Blotter through the park, dollar pitcher night…I remember we were smiling and laughing, holding hands and pulling our wagon full of delicious treats.  We crossed the Brady Street Bridge and were just starting to make our way down the large hill when Ryan got a mischievous twinkle in his eye.  Swiftly, he had rearranged the contents of the wagon and had created a type of makeshift vehicle.  Before I had a chance to ask questions, he had fitted himself into the wagon and was pushing fast with his feet.  Rapidly he started barreling down the hill, steering haphazardly with the wagon handle.   I started after him, eyes blurred with tears from laughing uncontrollably.  I watched as he dodged pedestrians, shifting his body weight to make sharp turns.  The ride lasted only a few seconds before he arrived at the bottom of the hill with a slow and easy crash landing.  This was followed by him jumping up, arms spread in victory as the crowd literally went wild, clapping for his crazy antics.  The cherry on top was the fact that he had somehow situated his landing directly in front of the friends we were meeting - they saw the whole thing.  I finally caught up to him, clutching my stomach with laughter.  We high fived, kissed and busted into the cooler for a celebratory Miller Lite.  At that moment, I remember thinking, “This is why I love this man, there is no one funnier or more able to make me laugh”.