Sunday, August 28, 2011

A Sunday Evening

          I’m lonely.  The hours between six and eleven pm can be some of the longest, quietist hours of my day.  This is the time when my street settles down and families retreat indoors to share dinner.  This is the time when a husband and wife should be cooking dinner, sharing stories and putting their babies to bed.  I do these things alone.  This evening I quietly gave Marley a bath, put her pajamas on, fed, snuggled and sang her to sleep.  I cleaned up a bit, poured a bowl of cereal and sat alone at my kitchen table.   I try so hard, fight everyday in fact, to not let my heart drowned in thoughts of what might have been.  Tonight I gave in, allowed myself to remember.  I remembered late last summer, sitting on the front porch with Ry, drinking wine and talking about nothing and at the same time, everything.  I miss so badly having a person to share my nothings with.  This small nuance of marriage is what I miss the most.  I didn’t ask for a single life, yet here I am.  I loved being married in every way and still cannot believe I sit here today alone, single and sad.  Missing the life I had, remembering the person I shared everything with and wondering what next…

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Walk Good

    I realize that this blog is a small voice heard by only a select few, but I yearn for my message to be spread further.  If I could scream it from the rooftops, I would:  Live the life you love and love the life you live.  I look at you and wonder how you can be sad.  I’m not a narcissist, I realize that although devistating, my loss does not trump other tragedies, nor has it stopped the world from turning.  I know that you are allowed to be sad and that regardless of how trivial the matter, life will sometimes get you down.  I just need you to know that life is short, too short to spend your time wishing away the life you are leading, the life that you are lucky to have.  If I could shake you I would.  Look around!  Are you lucky enough to have a spouse to come home to?  Are your kids healthy and loved?  Does your house have a roof?  Is there food on your table?  Life is good and we are lucky to have it.  We can choose to spend our days wishing for things that might have been or thinking of reasons why life isn't fair.  We can choose to do this.  We can also choose to look around us with eyes wide open.  Choose to see the sunshine and light that illuminates our lives.  We are given one chance on this earth, one chance to make a life for ourselves that we can enjoy.  We are also given the power of choice and although things happen, sometimes terrible, heart wrenching things that we cannot control, we can always control our choices.  I choose to be happy.  This isn’t always the easiest choice as I often feel the dark cloud of loss and loneliness creeping into my soul, but I fight to see the light and I choose to walk good.  I hope you choose to walk with me.