Monday, March 21, 2011

You Make me Smile

I was looking through pictures from a road trip Ry and I took to Galena this summer.  Strange how time can feel parallel, like it just happened, but also as if it were a million years ago.  I came across a snapshot of Ryan, lighting a cigarette.  I started wondering why I took such a picture when I noticed the GIGANTIC lighter.  I quickly remembered the small moment between us…

  After hours of driving, Ryan had pulled off the street to admire a beautiful landscape indigenous only to the Driftless Area.  He decided it was so special we had better toast our surroundings with cans of Miller Lite.  He quickly disappeared behind the car and after digging around the back, appeared with two cold beers and his ever present pack of cigarettes.  After some grumbling about the smoking and listening to, "Awh Krissy, we're on vacation..." I watched as he bowed his body to block the wind and continued to light his cigarette with the biggest most ridiculous lighter I had ever seen!  This small act sent me into a fit of giggles which of course, was his plan all along.  Ryan would do anything to make me laugh and I'm certain I will never meet another person who will work so hard for a smile.  How lucky I am to have been loved by someone so incredibly dedicated to making me happy.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

My Fear is My only Courage

“It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop.”
I dreamt last night that I was taking an impossible test that I hadn’t a single answer to.  This test held a great amount of importance and I was being watched by a large audience of my peers.  As if the unattainable answers weren’t daunting enough, there was a dark and menacing shadow, visible only to my eyes, stealing my pencils and blocking my every move.  This test is my life, the shadow my grief and the audience is all of you, watching and waiting for me to pull through.
I’ve been feeling pressure lately from those I love most to become bright and shiny.  They don’t mean to press, they just want so badly for me to be happy again.  I get that, but not being one who is used to disappointing people, knowing that I cannot deliver this wish makes me feel like a failure.  Turning my brights on takes tremendous energy and lately I’ve been too exhausted to even keep a dim light shinning.  I’ve often asked how long a person is supposed to grieve and of course, there is no answer other than you grieve as long as you need to.  Consequently, I’m beginning to accept that it is my time to be sad and this feeling will persist.  In accepting this, I am moving forward. 
For months I’ve been dreaming of Ryan and in these dreams he often rejects me.  For anyone who knew the ins and outs of our relationship, they know that this notion is ludicrous.  It’s been suggested that this step away from reality actually represents my refusal to accept the fact that this experience has and will change me.  Ryan rejecting me is actually myself rejecting the changes that have been forced upon me, the changes that I’ve been exhausting my energy to fight.  Maybe it’s time to come to terms with this change, begin to sort through the nuances of my new life.  It’s been gently suggested to me that I may never feel as happy as I did with Ryan again.  I will be happy, but never to the extent that I once experienced.  This I cannot accept.  I can work to wrap my mind around change, but I refuse to recognize the loss of happiness.  Even in my darkest hours, which unfortunately have begun to come more often, I am able to see through the haze of sadness to a time of happiness.  I will smile again, I will laugh and laugh and laugh and I will light up a room.  I know I am moving forward because I no longer need to ask when this will happen because although I know that answer is not today or tomorrow, I do know that the day will come.  So for now, I will be sad, I will work through these changes, and remember that my fear is my only courage and so, I will push on through and find myself again.