Early today Marley was fussing. I brought her into her bedroom and tried distracting here with the items on her dresser. As so often happens, her attention was directed towards the two pictures of Ryan that I have set out on her shelf. The minute her eyes locked on the picture, her crying ceased and she said, “Hi” in her Marley sing-song voice. This was incredible, but what happened next absolutely floored me. After a minute of staring, she smiled and softly cooed, “Daddy”. At the most, you likely believe I’m making this up and at the least exaggerating, but I am telling the story exactly as it happened. Somehow, some way, she knows who her daddy is. Somehow, some way, his face calms her.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
“Maybe I’m crazy, but laughing out loud has made the pain pass by.” -Dave Matthews
It’s been a long time since I’ve written; life has taken over and kept me busy and distracted. I’ve been wanting to blog for some time now in order to explain the changes that have been taking place in my life and to paint a picture of what’s going on, a year and a half later. Life has taken on a strident routine mixed mainly with work and Marley. I find time everyday for exercise and look forward to these treasured minutes as time for quiet reflection. This is my time to think about Ryan, to remember all that I can of the good times, replay some of the repressed memories I have of directly after his death and try to make sense of the many unanswered questions that can still haunt me. This is also the time where I will occasionally let myself linger in the might have been. Don’t get me wrong, for those of you who don’t see me on daily basis, please know that I smile a great part of the day, I laugh and love often. I do however still cry, I still yearn for the touch of my husband, the laugh of my partner and the love of Marley’s father. Life is different now, I am different. Ironic how for months I fought this change with everything I had. I rejected the very idea that I would become a different person yet here I am, stronger, wiser and maybe even more positive than I ever was before.
It’s difficult at times to channel Ryan’s wife. I can barely remember that girl of 18 months ago. 18 months – in some ways it seems like no time at all, in others it seems like an eternity. So much has happened since our final goodbye…would he even recognize me today? What would Ryan think of the job I’m doing? How would he react to the changes I’ve made? Is he looking down on me from someplace, shaking his head in amazement? Does he laugh when I smile? Does he want to hurt those who hurt me? And what about dating? How would he feel about the men that have given me attention as of recently? Which would he like and which would he roll his eyes at? Would he approve?
The journey of dating has proven to be difficult to say the least. To go from an intimate relationship of ten years, to having dinner with a stranger is a change I still haven’t entirely wrapped my mind around. I’ve made some mistakes on the way, even blindly thought I was falling in love at one point. Thankfully, I’ve learned from these mistakes, I’ve become aware of my deep rooted fear of abandonment, my distaste for losing control and most importantly, I’ve become familiar with the many deep voids my suffering has left. These voids are what I need to be the most cautious about. I want so badly to be loved, adored and cherished that I’ve made the mistake of overlooking warning signs, signs that were clearly marked to eyes that were open. I won’t make these same mistakes twice as my guard is now up, my eyes wide open. I do however, plan on falling in love again, it’s in my future and this I’m certain of. I know now that I can and will be happy with another person. This person will never be Ryan and will consequently never completely fill all of my voids, but I’m out there nonetheless, meeting new people, enjoying the company of others and patiently waiting for my opportunity to find another soul mate.
So that’s where I am now – grounded in routine, centered, calm and hopeful for a future that I’ve long since accepted and have just begun to understand. Most importantly, I can say that I’m happy. I’m at ease with my surroundings and feel blessed to have the things in my life that make me contented: Marley, friends and family, home and health. I truly believe in the saying, “Live the life you love, love the life you live” and know now how important it is to live everyday to its fullest, keep a smile and your face and look at the bright side of things. Life is short so of course, one must walk good.