My Fear is My only Courage

“It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop.”

                                      –Confucius

I dreamt last night that I was taking an impossible test that I hadn’t a single answer to.  This test held a great amount of importance and I was being watched by a large audience of my peers.  As if the unattainable answers weren’t daunting enough, there was a dark and menacing shadow, visible only to my eyes, stealing my pencils and blocking my every move.  This test is my life, the shadow my grief and the audience is all of you, watching and waiting for me to pull through.

I’ve been feeling pressure lately from those I love most to become bright and shiny.  They don’t mean to press, they just want so badly for me to be happy again.  I get that, but not being one who is used to disappointing people, knowing that I cannot deliver this wish makes me feel like a failure.  Turning my brights on takes tremendous energy and lately I’ve been too exhausted to even keep a dim light shinning.  I’ve often asked how long a person is supposed to grieve and of course, there is no answer other than you grieve as long as you need to.  Consequently, I’m beginning to accept that it is my time to be sad and this feeling will persist.  In accepting this, I am moving forward. 

For months I’ve been dreaming of Ryan and in these dreams he often rejects me.  For anyone who knew the ins and outs of our relationship, they know that this notion is ludicrous.  It’s been suggested that this step away from reality actually represents my refusal to accept the fact that this experience has and will change me.  Ryan rejecting me is actually myself rejecting the changes that have been forced upon me, the changes that I’ve been exhausting my energy to fight.  Maybe it’s time to come to terms with this change, begin to sort through the nuances of my new life.  It’s been gently suggested to me that I may never feel as happy as I did with Ryan again.  I will be happy, but never to the extent that I once experienced.  This I cannot accept.  I can work to wrap my mind around change, but I refuse to recognize the loss of happiness.  Even in my darkest hours, which unfortunately have begun to come more often, I am able to see through the haze of sadness to a time of happiness.  I will smile again, I will laugh and laugh and laugh and I will light up a room.  I know I am moving forward because I no longer need to ask when this will happen because although I know that answer is not today or tomorrow, I do know that the day will come.  So for now, I will be sad, I will work through these changes, and remember that my fear is my only courage and so, I will push on through and find myself again.