Happy Anniversary

Yesterday marked the sixth anniversary of the happist day of my life.  Love you, Ry.

Ryan's Wife

I miss being Ryan’s wife.  I miss the attention he would shower on me, the compliments and the adoration.  A memory showed itself today as I was running down the parkway that allowed me to reminisce on what a safe and wonderful place being Ryan’s wife truly was.  I remembered running down the same parkway in early September when Ryan unexpectedly pulled up in the PT Cruiser with Blotter and Brady, all three of their heads hanging out the window, one looking sillier than the next.  “Hey Sexy, jog here often?” was his opening line.  After a little more sass, his true intentions were shown.  Turns out, instead of cooking the delicious and healthy meal I had expected, he had decided we should go out for dinner.  Of course, this idea sounded fabulous to me.   So what if it was a Tuesday, I had to work early the next morning and oh, weren’t we supposed to be saving money?  He was too cute to resist, driving my car and hanging out with the dogs.  After I agreed, he waved goodbye and watched as I ran ahead.  Slowly, he pulled up beside me yet again.  “What is it this time?” I asked with mock exasperation.  “Damn you look good!  How’d I get such a hot wife?” was his reply. 

I miss being Ryan’s wife.  I miss the confidence that his love presented.  Today I also thought back to the many times in Jamaica when he would stay on the beach to play dominos with a local while I’d go back to the room to shower and change for dinner.  Regardless of who he’d be playing, upon my arrival, I’d always be greeted with a similar response:  “Hey ‘mon, THAT’S your wife?” in which Ryan would reply, “Yeah, told you she was good looking…”

He loved me, he adored me and I miss him.  I miss being Ryan’s wife.

Marley Ryan

She looks just like Ryan.  I stare down on her sleeping face and I see my husband.  She is proof that he existed, he was here, and he made a difference.

Marley Ryan Davis was born May 7, 2011 at 2:35 pm.  She weighed 6 pounds, 5 ounces, was 20 inches long and came out holding her breath,  blue as the ocean.  After a few seconds of coaxing, she locked eyes with me and took her first breath.  When the doctor placed her on my chest, she continued to gaze into my eyes with a look that said, “I know Mama, I love him too”.

Now a month has gone by, five weeks to be exact.  Marley weighs 9 pounds, 10 ounces, is 22 inches long and has no problem using her lungs to full capacity.  Her eyes are deep blue and give the sense that behind them lays an old soul, one filled with knowledge, experience and mischief.

She smiles in her sleep and I can’t help imagining it’s because her daddy is visiting her dreams, whispering in her ear everything that he’s not here to teach her.  “Take care of your mom.  Smile and she’ll give you anything you want.”  “Don’t let him kiss you, he drinks out of the toilet.”  “Don’t cry.”  “Walk good.”

Marley and I are a team.  Neither of us knows what we’re doing, but we’re in this together and will figure it out one day at a time.  Ryan was supposed to be the good parent, the one with the patients and the one with the answers.  It was always my understanding that dads knew everything.  Because he is gone, it is now my job to supply the answers to the questions I know and make up the ones that I don’t.  This baby would have had the greatest father in the world, but won’t ever meet him.   The last thing I’m concerned with is spoiling her.  She wants to be held all day so I hold her.  She wants to sleep on my chest so I let her.  I will give her what she needs always; will be there to comfort, to hold and to listen.  Marley doesn’t have her daddy, but she does have my love and my memories.  I plan on showing her the world and teaching her everything I know while at the same time, sharing stories of her father. 

“Winter, spring, summer or fall, all you’ve got to do is call and I’ll be there, yes I will.”  -Carol King

Smile with the Rising Sun

“The day the Lord created hope was probably the same day he created spring.”  ~Bern Williams

A little over a month ago I woke up to a clear day.  The sun was shining, the air was warm, and I could see clearly the day ahead of me.  Spring was here, the days were longer and as the sun melted the snow, it also began to clear the fog that had settled in my head.  I knew something had changed when I caught myself making a joke during yoga.  Something that used to come so naturally took me by complete surprise.  Such a small moment that went unnoticed by everyone but me, was a huge turning point in my healing process.   It was like walking outside in early April and seeing the first signs of a tulip sprouting out of the frozen earth. 

Winter can be relentless and often leaves its victims feeling like spring will never come, the ground forever frozen and inhospitable to life.  Like grief, winter’s darkest days can make you forget what warmth the sun promises to bring.  My mind and body have been wrapped tightly in a womb of fog making even the simplest of tasks feel monumental and too often impossible.  The last clear memories I have took place over six months ago in a time when I still knew who I was – a time when Ryan was as much a part of my past, present and future as I myself was.  Once he was gone, I was gone.  My friends, family, students and colleagues could all see me, but I wasn’t really there and only those who know me the best could see the emptiness in my eyes.  These are the same people who first noticed the clarity begin. 

It only takes a few warm days for the tulips to sprout.  Suddenly little green buds fill gardens, pots and ditches.  They can go unnoticed by many, but those who have been waiting the longest are rewarded with a feeling of anticipation.  What’s even more impressive is that the frost can come back, wrap its bitter hands around the struggling life and try to choke it.  Amazingly, tulips are strong enough to fight the frost off.  They might lose their luster for a moment, but by mid afternoon, after just a little bit of warmth, they’re right back to growing strong and healthy.  Just a few more clear warm days and these tulips will begin to show their true splendor.  Soon the ground will be filled with vibrant colors reminding us that no matter how harsh a winter, life prevails and rewards us with beauty, warmth and light.

Spring is an incredible time of year, based in hope, sprinkled in disappointment and sealed with promise.  The love of my life is gone and I’ve accepted that he’s never coming back.  The man I’ve had a crush on for years is no longer here to take care of me, spoil me or love me.  Life has changed, but like the rays of sun to a tulip, acceptance has begun to warm my heart.  The promise of Marley’s arrival has helped fight off grief’s bitter returns and I’ve begun to show my colors once again.  The frost has come and gone and I have survived proving that no matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow.

You Make me Smile

I was looking through pictures from a road trip Ry and I took to Galena this summer.  Strange how time can feel parallel, like it just happened, but also as if it were a million years ago.  I came across a snapshot of Ryan, lighting a cigarette.  I started wondering why I took such a picture when I noticed the GIGANTIC lighter.  I quickly remembered the small moment between us…

  After hours of driving, Ryan had pulled off the street to admire a beautiful landscape indigenous only to the Driftless Area.  He decided it was so special we had better toast our surroundings with cans of Miller Lite.  He quickly disappeared behind the car and after digging around the back, appeared with two cold beers and his ever present pack of cigarettes.  After some grumbling about the smoking and listening to, "Awh Krissy, we're on vacation..." I watched as he bowed his body to block the wind and continued to light his cigarette with the biggest most ridiculous lighter I had ever seen!  This small act sent me into a fit of giggles which of course, was his plan all along.  Ryan would do anything to make me laugh and I'm certain I will never meet another person who will work so hard for a smile.  How lucky I am to have been loved by someone so incredibly dedicated to making me happy.

My Fear is My only Courage

“It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop.”

                                      –Confucius

I dreamt last night that I was taking an impossible test that I hadn’t a single answer to.  This test held a great amount of importance and I was being watched by a large audience of my peers.  As if the unattainable answers weren’t daunting enough, there was a dark and menacing shadow, visible only to my eyes, stealing my pencils and blocking my every move.  This test is my life, the shadow my grief and the audience is all of you, watching and waiting for me to pull through.

I’ve been feeling pressure lately from those I love most to become bright and shiny.  They don’t mean to press, they just want so badly for me to be happy again.  I get that, but not being one who is used to disappointing people, knowing that I cannot deliver this wish makes me feel like a failure.  Turning my brights on takes tremendous energy and lately I’ve been too exhausted to even keep a dim light shinning.  I’ve often asked how long a person is supposed to grieve and of course, there is no answer other than you grieve as long as you need to.  Consequently, I’m beginning to accept that it is my time to be sad and this feeling will persist.  In accepting this, I am moving forward. 

For months I’ve been dreaming of Ryan and in these dreams he often rejects me.  For anyone who knew the ins and outs of our relationship, they know that this notion is ludicrous.  It’s been suggested that this step away from reality actually represents my refusal to accept the fact that this experience has and will change me.  Ryan rejecting me is actually myself rejecting the changes that have been forced upon me, the changes that I’ve been exhausting my energy to fight.  Maybe it’s time to come to terms with this change, begin to sort through the nuances of my new life.  It’s been gently suggested to me that I may never feel as happy as I did with Ryan again.  I will be happy, but never to the extent that I once experienced.  This I cannot accept.  I can work to wrap my mind around change, but I refuse to recognize the loss of happiness.  Even in my darkest hours, which unfortunately have begun to come more often, I am able to see through the haze of sadness to a time of happiness.  I will smile again, I will laugh and laugh and laugh and I will light up a room.  I know I am moving forward because I no longer need to ask when this will happen because although I know that answer is not today or tomorrow, I do know that the day will come.  So for now, I will be sad, I will work through these changes, and remember that my fear is my only courage and so, I will push on through and find myself again.

Dear Ryan,

I’m crying as I write this, trying to see through a cover of tears.  I’m not concerned with the flow of my words or the picture they paint.  I just need to talk to you.  I’m racked with emotions and need to crawl into the warm embrace of your lap.  I need your arms wrapped tightly around me.  I need your reassuring voice in my ear.  I need you.

I needed you this afternoon.  I’m pregnant and need to be taken care of.  I was getting stomach cramps at the gym and they scared me.  Their company didn’t last long and left me frightened and alone.  Isolated in a room full of people who look at me and think everything is just fine.  They see me as an endearing pregnant woman, trying to stay in shape, working out before going home to her loving husband.  Little do they know I’m there to keep my sanity and that I go home to a house quiet and full of grief.

I need you Ry and can’t feel you anywhere.  I miss your laugh, infectious and strong.  I miss our life so full of laughter.  I wonder how many times we laughed each day.  Living without you has taken the laughter away and without it, I feel empty.  How am I going to do this without you?  Who will make me laugh?  Who will take care of me?  No one is here to tell me I’m beautiful, Ry.  I keep swelling and no one is here to admire my shape, talk for the little person inside of me.  I need you, love you and miss you.  It hurts so bad, Ry…