My Forever

     Someone recently told me that in order to get married, they needed to have things figured out, they needed to know themselves and be comfortable with the path their life was following.  I respect this, but can’t entirely wrap my mind around the idea as it is night to my day.  I met Ryan when I was 19 and we fell hard.  He used to joke that after our first date, we never left each other’s side.  This is true.   Although we thought of ourselves as adults at the time, imagined that we had it all figured out, we didn’t.  We didn’t know ourselves much less anything else, but it was okay because Ryan and I grew up and together we learned who we were and what we wanted from life.  Our desires became one and the same not because we depended on each other to make decisions, but because we talked, we dreamt and we compromised.  The ten acre farmhouse became the urban Victorian not because one of us gave up on our dream, but because we began to dream together, to see our futures as one. 

     Two months ago, I knew exactly who I was, what I wanted and where I was going.  I also knew that I would do none of this alone.  Ryan was my forever.  Now I look to a future that is a complete unknown and the loss of control is excruciating.  Just a few days before he died, I came home from a graduate class in tears.  My sadness was due, in part, to a low grade, but mostly because I felt out of control.  My body and mind were beginning to feel pregnant and affecting my daily life.  This change terrified me.  I parked my car, walked into the house and climbed into Ryan’s lap.  There I sat, sobbing, scared and confused, but safe.  He held me, soothed me and brought me upstairs.  He insisted I change into something comfortable, sat with me while I washed my face and held my hand as I tried to put into words the feelings I didn’t entirely understand.  Later that evening, he brought me to bed, wrapped his arms around me and whispered into my ear.  He told me, as he always did, that he loved me.  He reminded me of how lucky he was to have, in his words, scored such a hot, smart wife.  He believed that I could do anything I set my mind to and was always in a state of awe at what I accomplished.  These were his last words to me on the last night we spent together.  These are the words that hang in my head now, as I struggle to regain the control I have lost.  My forever is no longer and I must find a way to rebuild.  A blueprint that is new, but also holds true to the sense that in this great new future, i can't forget my past, and must use it to help me push on through.