No Longer a Mrs.

I’m struggling today with awareness.  With the recognition that as the moments drag by; I’m beginning to feel less and less married.  It’s another aspect of my life that is completely out of my control.  The reason I think, is simple.  I am alone.  There is no one here to hold my hand, to kiss, to hug, to hold.  I need attention, I long to be taken care of and thrive on positive energy.  As my husband, Ryan provided all of this.  It was obvious to all, but me especially, that he thought I was beautiful.  He thought I was amazing and intelligent and worth every bit of the attention he showered on me.  A person gets used to this personal interest, gets comfortable.  It was the source of my self confidence, the bounce in my step, the smile on my face and now, it’s gone.  Now I have family and friends, but I do not have a husband’s touch.  I do not have a warm body spooning me at night or loving lips to graze my neck as I make my morning cup of coffee.  These are the nuances of marriage and now that they are gone, I can feel my married life slowly slipping away.  The effects of this leave me feeling empty, alone and cold.  It’s as if I’m standing in a blizzard with no jacket to wrap around me, no way of getting warm.  To transform with less than a moments notice from a happy, healthy marriage to a life of solitude is like rushing into the cold from the embrace of a warm home.  The cold smacks you in the face, pushes you back, takes your breath away.  After a while, your body will eventually adjust, become numb to the bitter frost, your shivering will slip away and leave you with a quiet disturbance that you can almost ignore.

A moment I can’t ignore, a moment that is fixed in my memory, happened when I made my final call to the hospital the night of Ryan’s death.  The police had already been there, the code called; I was the last to know.  I asked one final time if anyone in the ICU knew anything and was put on hold for what seemed like forever.  In the background was none other than Paul Simon.  The song was “Slip Slidin’ Away”.  The words whispered in my ear:

I know a woman
Became a wife
These are the very words she uses
To describe her life
She said a good day
Ain't got no rain
She said a bad day's when I lie in bed
And think of things that might have been

For years I’d been listening to this song and thinking it described every part of me, a person who needed very little for a good day and lived with no regrets.  My heat knew this to be a sign.  Then the chorus ended and the next verse came through the receiver:

God only knows
God makes his plan
The information's unavailable
To the mortal man
We're working our jobs
Collect our pay
Believe we're gliding down the highway
When in fact we're slip slidin' away

The song still haunts my dreams today.  It reminds me of that person who needed nothing for a good day.  It offers words of wisdom to consider that there’s no changing what happened, I am no longer a married women and there’s nothing I can do to better understand why this change took place.  What I can do is hold strong and always remember, a good day is one without rain and a bad day is when you think about things that might have been.