Till Death Do Us Part

     Just after Ryan passed, a friend recommended that I start a blog.  At first I thought this idea sounded impossible - sharing my thoughts, wearing my emotions, showing everyone what's really going on?  All of this was incredibly overwhelming and scary to even think about.  A month or so later, I've come to terms with the fact that I am sad, I am lonely and I am scared.  I am grieving.  With this came the realization that there is really no use in hiding these emotions.  Instead, I've decided to commit them to words and share them with those I love. 
     Friends and family continue to think about me.  Some of you call, some of you want to call and some of you wish you knew if you should call.  Most of the time, I tell you things are fine, I'm taking it day by day and making the best of the situation.  This is all true, but says very little to what's actually going on.  In order to open the blinds and see into my heart, you'd need to keep a constant eye on me.  I am always changing, never the same.  One moment laughing, another crying, sometimes smiling, other times lost in dark thoughts of an unknown future.  I don't want to show you inside my heart because I don't want to scare you, I don't want you to worry, and I don't want you to think I've lost myself.  I have not, I am still here and I refuse to let go.
     If you follow these posts, I know you'll find that some days they will be dark, wretched with emotion and laced with feelings of absolute hopelessness.  Other days however, these posts will sound like me.  They will be filled with calm, positive outlooks and peppered with sunny happenings.  Feel free to read them all and hopefully, feel a part of my journey.  My goal is to let you all inside in a way that still feels private.  Just remember what I said before, I am still me, no matter what I say or how I'm feeling, deep down inside, I am still there, will always be there and in a way, this part of me is holding the other part's hand.  Helping my sadness stand up, pushing the fear away and reminding every part of my heart and soul to walk good.