Lost

“The String of reason, the splash of tears.  Love emerges and then it disappears”   -Paul Simon

 At this time last year, Ryan and I were sitting at a romantic dinner, bottle of wine chilling, candles casting light across an otherwise dark room.  As was our way, we'd been at the restaurant for hours enjoying each other's company.  I excused myself for a minute and upon my return, found a small leather bound book waiting for me, a book of baby names.

Inside was handwritten in a script unique only to him:

“Krissy,

      Happy Valentine’s Day, 2010.  I want you to know how much I love you so I got you this because you love books so much.  This book is a symbol of my whole hearted intention to create a family and spend the rest of our lives flourishing together.  Maybe you can find a name to attach to our future. 

               Sincerely, your best friend and love, Ry   xoxoxoxo”

And tonight?  Tonight I sit and wonder where he can be.  How can he not be here?  I stare at pictures of him looking so happy and handsome and I just don’t understand where he is.  There’s a special spot in the middle of his chest where my head fits just so.  A security blanket lost and longed for.  If I could just nestle my head there, whisper in his ear how I am feeling, I know he’d have the right words, but where is he?  He’s not here.