It’s been many weeks since I’ve last blogged, partly due to a busy and hectic schedule of raising Marley, but mostly because the heavy weight pressing down on my heart has lifted (plus my laptop has been broken). I started this blog to allow my friends and family a glimpse into my grieving and healing process, but also to guide myself through reflection and towards a comfortable center. As you’ve all read, there have been many ups and downs throughout this journey, twists, turns, triumphs and plummets. I’ve worked tirelessly over the last 21 months to rebuild the life that was so quickly shattered into a million pieces. Navigated my way through this storm was a personal challenge of a magnitude I thought I’d never be faced with. Luckily, strength and perseverance have fought their way to the top and have helped greatly with this fight. In many ways I feel like a marathon runner, crossing the finish line and breaking the tape with her outstretched chest; proud of her accomplishment, victorious over her win and exhausted from her journey. Like the runner, I can look back on my race and calculate my decisions and promise the next race to be even better.
Today is July 12, 2012. It’s been one year, nine months and two days since I’ve been Ryan’s wife. Today I am strong, I am reflective and I am happy. I’ve learned how short life can be as well as how painful. I take nothing for granted, never sweat the small stuff and always choose my words very carefully. I’ve learned to appreciate every aspect of my life no matter how trivial because I am lucky enough to be here experiencing it. What if today was the last day of your life? What if tomorrow your family was ripped apart, a loved one stripped from you? Would you want your last memory to be surrounded by an argument over who has to do the dishes or get up with the baby? Would you want your last feeling to be anger because the driver in front of you was moving too slow? Bad things can and will happen in life, we must accept that this is out of our control. What we can do however is work to not let the things we can’t control, control us. We can remind ourselves to look on the positive side, savor the small moments, speak to each other kindly and never take for granted what we are lucky enough to have. Take it from someone who knows, we are only given one life and with this life comes ample amounts of happiness and beauty. I personally refuse to let any of this pass me by and will walk through my life with eyes and heart wide open. I guess what I’m saying is, I choose to be happy, to smile, to take in my surroundings and to walk good. I hope my writing can inspire you to do the same and help you to always remember to live the life you love and love the life you live – you only get one chance, never forget that.