The days are long, the nights are longer. When evening comes, mental exhaustion wraps its shadowy arms around me, suffocating my chances for an easy sleep.
Bed's too big without you
Cold wind blows right through my open door
I can't sleep with your memory
Dreaming dreams of what used to be…
Cold wind blows right through my open door
I can't sleep with your memory
Dreaming dreams of what used to be…
I am so tired of walking through life feeling empty. I’m busy not only mourning the loss of my husband, but also the loss of myself. I do have short moments where I feel like that happy girl, easily amused and forever smiling. Unfortunately, these moments are quickly shattered with the memory of my loss. It never takes long, maybe a minute and it always comes on strong. The pain that accompanies these memories is excruciating. This pain has become my new companion and a constant in my life. I miss Ryan every minute of every day and my mind swims with dark thoughts and memories. I close my eyes and see his code being called, hear the police asking me to sit down. These awful memories hide behind the distractions of the day and refuse to be pushed aside. I don’t know where I’m supposed to go or how to navigate the path back to myself, but I know with everything I have left that I want to be me again. I want to feel excited; I want to look forward to the small moments and big events that life has to offer. I want my heart to swell with happiness, my body to shake with laughter. I don’t know how and I don’t know when, but I do know it’s not today nor will it be tomorrow. I can only hope it won’t be too long because this shell that I inhabit is thin and cold and I long for the warmth and comfort of my former self. The self that I know is there, hiding deep within and quietly waiting. I pray that the ironic sense of losing one’s self in order to find your way is true…
We go through life
So sure of where we’re heading
And then we wind up lost
Sometimes when you lose your way
It’s really just as well
Because you find yourself
That’s when you find yourself
Every single time I think of Ryan I want to cry. The intense feelings of regret have now overcome me. I regret not making more effort to spend time with you two. We live five minutes from you. It would really not have took much effort at all. I think of all the times that he came over to hang out with Ben in the evenings. They would sit out on the porch having a beer (or three) and I would sit inside and study. Those are times that Ben now cherishes. Those are times now that I see as missed moments with Ryan. I know that I will never feel the loss that you feel but I hurt for you terribly. I look at the same picture of Ryan meeting Oliver for the first time that we have on our mantle everyday. The smile on his face is so bright.He was such a huge presence in our family. Carter still asks to visit Ryan in heaven. I just keep reassuring him that he can talk to Ryan anytime in his prayers and dreams. Ryan is our angel now.
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