A Nightmare

As dawn broke, my mind was troubled by a haunting dream that weighed me down with feelings of dread and danger.  There was an antagonist, although I was never able to see his face.  He was a dark figure, ominous and threatening.  His dwelling was large, homelike, but dark and full of unanswered questions.  I wasn’t supposed to be there, touching his things, looking through his personal belongings, yet I couldn’t get away even though I wanted to.  The dream made a foggy jump to another place, warmer, but unfamiliar.  Ryan was there, sick or tired, maybe both, and we both had an urgency to escape.  Something unknown was weighing on us, making our escape almost impossible, a fight for every move.  We slowly, painfully packed our bags and found our passports, but for some reason, couldn’t leave.  We were both quiet, but felt panicked, closed in and helpless.  Like dreams sometimes go, I’ve lost the rest.

I woke up with a heavy heart and a feeling of trepidation.  I didn’t want to get out of bed, didn’t want to begin living another day without Ryan.  My subconscious frightens me sometimes because it appears to know so much more than the rest of me.  I fight all day to keep my thoughts clear if not happy, but can’t control what comes to me when my mind is at rest.  This is not the first time I’ve dreamt of Ryan.  In each dream we are quiet, not silent, but hushed, almost calm.  I’m often left with a feeling of abandonment, which I recognize, but the feeling of rejection that follows leaves me bemused.  I am sometimes pleading with Ryan, always quietly, never angry or resentful.  For weeks I prayed for dreams, wished to feel Ryan again and now that I have them, I look for ways to escape.  I read once that dreams are like illustrations from the book your soul is writing about you.  It seems my soul is trying to sort through feelings I have not yet allowed myself to feel.  These feelings are like a thick wool blanket, with the power to comfort or suffocate.  I'm at a loss for how to tolerate this and can only close my eyes and wait for what comes next.