Silent Night

It is silent tonight as I reflect on something a friend recently said.  She described the look in my eyes as empty and I was surprised.  As time passes, I’m starting to see more clearly what she was referring to.  Life without Ryan is absent of light.  It never stops, never goes away, this feeling of emptiness.  The questions I relentlessly ask are how can he not be here?  How can the one person I counted on to be here, go missing?  I am hurting inside so deeply and I need him with me, to hold me, to dry my tears and to help me through this.  I do feel empty inside.  There is so much I want to say on this silent night, so much I need him to hear…

Dear Ryan,

          Only a short time ago you were here and could completely turn my world around.  I told you things that I’ve never shared with another soul and you absorbed everything I had to say and actually wanted to hear more.  We shared hopes for the future, dreams, goals, triumphs and even life’s disappointments.  When something wonderful happened, I couldn’t wait to tell you because I knew you would be just as excited as I.  You were never embarrassed to cry with me when I was hurting and we were always able to laugh with each other when one of us made a fool of ourselves.  You had a way of building me up and showing me things about myself that made me special and even beautiful and I can only hope I was able to do the same for you.  There was never any pressure, jealousy or competition between us, just a quiet calmness and a feeling of happy satisfaction.   I could be myself with you because you loved me for who I am.  Laughter was a part of our daily life and never did a day go by where we didn’t talk on the phone at least two or three times, each conversation bringing a smile to my face.  In your presence, there was never a need for continuous conversation; I was content just having you nearby.  I think of you on every occasion and in everything I do, but especially now, as I’m hurting so deeply inside and needing you to fix things like you always did, take care of me forever like you promised.  Every minute of every day I have to remind myself that you are not here, not coming back and each time this happens, I break.  I need you, you are my one.

I dropped a tear in the ocean and then it started to rain.  The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you. 

                                                          Merry Christmas, Baby, I love you.