Sunday, December 19, 2010

The Third Month

               I cried today, walking down Jefferson Street.  I cried again at Broadway Paper and once more outside of Swig.  I cried walking the streets of the Third Ward, trying to imagine a life for myself there.  The normally busy neighborhood felt stark, silent and forsaken which reflected perfectly my disposition.  I felt cold.  Stripped.  Lost.  I kept thinking that maybe this was the right place for me.  That the old buildings fit me well, stuck in another time, another place.  The long and narrow streets made me feel like I could walk forever and never look back.  The dull colors of winter in the city seemed to paint the backdrop for my current frame of mind.  I could live there, but I won’t.  It’s only the third month.

The third month is so much harder than the second.  The pain isn’t new or raw, but it’s fixed.  The loneliness is forefront now, a catch 22 as it is my constant companion.  I feel empty and numb.   I can’t concentrate, can’t commit and can’t decide.  I’m terrified that I’m changing, that my inner self is pouring out like a broken water valve.  I want to stand up and fight this, but collectively, the third month comes with the realization that this is not going to stop, not going to change and not going to get any better.  Ryan is not going to show up at my door.  Things are not going back to the way they were, ever.  It’s the third month and I’ve been alone now for longer than I ever have before.   How do I begin to take all of this in?  How do I begin to rebuild when I feel so weighed down?  Where do I go from here?
“Love would never leave us alone,
A-yin the darkness there must come out to light” –Bob Marley

2 comments:

  1. Kris, It is good for us to cry and the water valve will slow with time, it will never stop completely but that is OK. Do not fight it, it is something you must go through, it will make you stronger. He will not show up at your door but the happy memories will always be there for you and Marley. Things will never be the same but my hopes and dreams are that they will be better and I promise they will be. So be strong, go one step at a time then one day at a time, it will get easier and you will find that happy place but it will take time. I love you, dad

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  2. Hey Kris,
    Merry Christmas. I hope you got my package by now, my mom said she got hers and I sent them the same day. Been thinking about you and actually I am waiting for another Ryan story, I like the one about the duck. I can see him faking to floss and his grin. haha. Hope you get a chance to go back to Sturg for the holiday. Dave is in town now, I just chatted with him this morning.

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